I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
