i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
