nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
