Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
even my farts smell like vagina
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
