you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
