I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
