So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
