Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
