My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
