someone threw a dead crab at me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
