I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
