you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
