wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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