oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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