I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
