Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
