I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
