This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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