she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
