Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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