Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
