im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
