my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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