She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
