dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
