I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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