mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
