Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
