Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
