I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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