Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
