I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
