im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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