two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
