what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
