Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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