I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
