Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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