Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
