can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
