I wish I could punch you in the face.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
