my mouth tastes like poor choices
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
