a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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