I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
