Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
