I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
