I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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