I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
