its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
