no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Terrible idea I love it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
