When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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