I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
